Taylor's Williamson's Amazing Blog: Archive

Jan 16th

May 6th

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May 6th

12 notes

Please vote for me for Joke of the Year!

Hey Everyone, So I was Joke of the Week in April’s issue of Time Out NY. This means my joke was the best joke of all the jokes told within the 7 days it was on newsstands even though it’s on newsstands before the date on the cover. http://newyork.timeout.com/articles/comedy/73700/taylor-williamson-joke-of-the-week Well they nominated me and 8 others for Joke of the Year. This means my...

Dec 28th

My Amazing Doritos Commercials

Check out these amazing commercials I made for the Doritos “Crash The Super Bowl” competition with my buddies from Mail Order Comedy, Kyle Newacheck and Blake Anderson! Mad props go to Kyle for editing, and to Baby Newch and Hayley Pikhart for doing an awesome job filming, doing audio and lighting, and all that jazz. Did I just say “mad props”? Did I just impress you with...

Nov 10th

Watch

Here’s my Live at Gotham set in case you missed it! I’m really handsome and talented.

Nov 10th

Watch me on Comedy Central Friday!

Dear fake and real internet friends, Please tell anyone that has ever put me in a trash can, threatened to burn my house down because I beat his team in soccer, told a special ed kid that I said Stone Cold Steve Austin sucks so he’d push me into a wall, or anyone that was mean to me in high school that I’ll be on Comedy Central’s Live at Gotham Friday at 11pm! Depending on...

Oct 14th

Watch

I made this amazing sketch with my buddies Austin Anderson and Ryan Cownie in Omaha. I want to make it viral but don’t know how to do that, so I figured I’d post it on my blog and see if millions of people watch it.

Mar 3rd

Download my appearances on the David Angelo Radio...

I appeared on my buddy’s amazing internet radio show several times. You should listen. Here is what his listeners have said about me. “He looks like a lonely puppy. He’s funny though.” - Artie “Yeah, this guy was good from the get-go. Have him back.” - neege “This guy is my favorite and I love him. Please have him on at least once a week.” - The...

Mar 3rd

My South Dakota Adventure (Warning: Lots of Cow...

I did a private show for a company Friday night in Parkston, South Dakota. Where is that? It’s about 90 miles from Sioux Falls, South Dakota, and about 20 miles from the world’s only corn palace! Where is that? America, people! Parkston is a small town. Population: 1674 people, according to the US Census. The sign said 1572. I wanted them to change the sign to...

Dec 15th

Voting registration deadline is TODAY in some...

Hi people, So I’m not the guy from Entourage who was in a bad movie 10 years ago with Sabrina the Teenage Witch, or the guy with the blue Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle’s name who used to be the foster kid from Growing Pains who was in the movie about the boat that sank, or even the guy from Punk’d who married the old lady from GI Jane. Believe it or not. But I do have like 3400...

Oct 20th

"What's On! Magazine" September 22, 2008

Off the record, I actually hate everything about Las Vegas. But I like this article! Though I’m not sure I actually said anything about enjoying visiting my grandparents. Just kidding?

Sep 19th

I Rock the Vote for 944 Magazine! (click here to... →

Check out this interview I did! I’m so political. Isn’t it adorable?? Go register to vote!! Thank God for interviews over email, otherwise this would’ve been really boring. By the way, the editor took out some of my exclamation points. Are they allowed to do that? It’s not cool in my book/magazine....

Sep 10th

Me, New Kids On The Block, and Hayden Panettiere...

Hey People, Did you know TRL is still on the air? Did you know it tapes 2 days in advance and barely plays music videos? And it’s on at 11AM this summer? Me neither. My life long dream of performing standup comedy on TRL has come true! I was picked along with 2 other comedians to tell jokes in a room full of 16 year old girls about the VMAs, and the winner got a $13,000 prize package. Let me...

Sep 3rd

Does Fire Insurance Cover Foam WWF Championship...

Before I lived in the flame-ridden city of Los Angeles, I lived for 18 years in the flame-ridden city San Diego. My family still lives there, at least until further notice. My mother, brother, and dog have been forced to evacuate our home. I’m glad my mom and brother brought the dog. She’s really cool (my dog). I asked what else they brought, and the answer was “Water, food,...

Oct 22nd

You May Be More Famous Than Me, But I Got to Drive...

There are so many talented and untalented (more the latter) people that are famous. The best piece of advice I’ve ever received is to not compare myself to others. The second best piece of advice I’ve ever received is to not take advice from others. Ironically, I’ve chosen to take the second best piece of advice over the first. Here is a list of some people who are younger and...

Oct 10th

Why Parents Should Not Home-school Their Children

Aug 29th

2 tags

I’M ON TV TUESDAY! LATE LATE SHOW - CBS - 12:35AM

Dear Everybody, I am excited to announce that on Tuesday, August 14th, 2007, I will be making my second appearance on the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson! If you want to come to the taping, you can get free tickets at www.ocatv.com/latelate - it tapes at 3:45pm on Tuesday afternoon. Please watch and tell your friends! And more importantly, feel free to forward this to anyone you know that may...

Aug 13th

I Am Trying to Find a Cure for HIV (Sort-of....)

So I was googling myself today… (Wait, that sounds dirty, doesn’t it?) I was searching my name on the internet hoping to find articles and websites that have written about me…. (That sounds pathetic, doesn’t it?) Anyways, I found another person in this world with the exact same name as me! Exciting stuff, right? Well, it turns out that this other “Taylor...

Jul 24th

I Cleaned My Room!

Big news, everybody! I cleaned my room. Yep. Now I didn’t clean up for the same reason as most people. Not because I was tired of that horrific smell, or because I was curious as to what could possibly create such an odor. Not because I wanted to know if my door could really open all the way. Not even because I wondered what color my carpet was. I did it because I started thinking,...

Jul 22nd

The Right to Grizzly Bear Arms

I’m a big fan of the 1st Amendment of The Constitution: “Freedom of Speech.” It allows us to say or do basically whatever we want, as long as we aren’t harming others, or ourselves. It really bothers me when people use the first amendment as an excuse for their idiotic behavior. I have an amazing idea that would hopefully make them think twice before they do or say...

Jun 28th

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Lucky Rabbit's Feet are Stupid

My friend John has a lucky rabbits foot hanging from the rearview mirror of his car. I asked him what it was for, and he said for good luck, duh. John, you are 24, you live with your mother, you work at IHOP, and you drive a 93 Camaro. Either you forgot to turn the thing on, or you are a moron. Good luck with that. Who came up with the idea of a Lucky rabbits foot? Obviously, the rabbit is not the...

Jun 26th

Things I Have Learned in New York City

I’ve really had a great time in New York. Here are some things I’ve learned during my short stay in this wonderful city! - To properly dispose of a condom, you are supposed to tie it in a knot and throw it on the sidewalk. - If you go to a pizza restaurant, do not ask the owner for a fork and knife because your hands are dirty…unless you want to be called a faggot. - Cute girls...

Jun 9th

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My Quarter-Life Crisis

I’m going through a quarter-life crisis. It’s a lot like a mid-life crisis, with the difference being that I can’t afford to buy myself a new car. I can’t even afford to put gas in the one I already own. I mean, the one my mom lets me drive. My life is so different than other people my age. People I grew up with are sitting in class, daydreaming about what they want to...

May 8th

I'm a Stud at Jack in the Box

I think the girl who works at the Jack in the Box by my house has a crush on me. Now you may think this is a bit of a bold presumption on my part, but I have good reason to think so. I go to this fine restaurant about once a week. It’s really close to my apartment, and they just starting selling grilled cheese sandwiches! Now you may say, “Taylor, why don’t you just go to the...

Apr 9th

Taylor Fun Facts #3

First installment of 2007! Enjoy. Taylor has at least 4 numbers in his phone of people he doesn’t like, so he knows not to answer when they call. Feel free to get paranoid if you call and you hear half a ring, then it goes straight to voicemail. Taylor has no allergies, that he knows of. In his free time, he enjoys rubbing cats on his naked body and then running around in a field full of...

Mar 21st

I Got My First Hate-mail!

First of all, I would like to thank everyone who called or sent me a message regarding my appearance on Craig Ferguson. It really means a lot. Special thanks to those of you who didn’t know me before, and took the effort to look me up. An extra special thanks to the person who sent the following email to me…. “Subject: Not funny Saw you on Craig Ferguson you need a lot of work,...

Feb 18th

I'M ON TV TOMORROW! LATE LATE SHOW - CBS - 12:30AM...

Dear Everybody, I am very excited to announce that on Tuesday, February 13, 2007, I will become the youngest, half-Jewish comedian from San Diego to appear on CBS after 12:30AM wearing a sweater, jeans, and dirty Saucony shoes! In other words, I will be performing standup comedy on The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson! My favorite reactions so far after I told people the news…. “Who...

Feb 12th

Some Prerequisites to Being Friends With Me

As I’m sure you know, I’m a super cool dude. I receive thousands of emails a day from people asking to hang out with me. I do not expect much from society, but I do have some standards for those I choose to associate with. If you would like to be my friend, please make sure that you do not relate to any of the behaviors below. -If you take “Yo Mama” jokes way too...

Feb 7th

My Quasi-Brilliant Thoughts on Diet & Exercise

I’m skinny. I have 0% body muscle. I want to get in shape, but that involves exercise. And as my mother always said, just because you can do something, it doesn’t mean you should. And as I always said, just because I should do something, it doesn’t mean I will. It would be nice to have a six pack. Really hard abs. I’d like to be one of those guys who says, “Go ahead,...

Jan 30th

She May Hate Black People, But I Still Love Her

(Note to anyone in my family or anyone who knows people related to me: neither of my grandmothers are racist. They are both very nice ladies who love black people very, very much. In fact, one of my grandmothers is the vice-president of the unofficial Chi McBride fanclub! Seriously. Why would I make that up? Everything written below is fiction, and nothing but fiction. I would never ever dream of...

Dec 25th

I'm Going to Burn Your House Down

(The name used in this blog has been changed due to my fear that this man has become the sociopath I assume he is today, along with my desire to not end up murdered and/or what not.) I was never the athletic type; I know, that is hard to believe. I could not throw a ball very far, or even catch well, for that matter; but there was one sport I was good at, and that was soccer. Now I was not great,...

Dec 10th

Why I'm a Comedian

WARNING: The following may be considered to be “gay” if read by fourteen-year-old boys, or by about 70% of the audiences that saw me perform in Tampa on Saturday night. There were many reasons for me wanting to get into comedy. Besides my love of unlimited free alcohol and desire to impregnate a girl in at least 22 major cities within the next seven years, as well as my joy of meeting...

Dec 4th

Good Taylor Hunting

I know people who like to have fun. Some people I know like to have fun in dangerous ways, such as street racing, doing drugs, or even reading. Say what you want, but I’ve never gotten a paper-cut from watching The Cosby Show. You know what I did get? Good morals, and quality entertainment. I went to a party a couple weeks ago, in an attempt to have fun. I did not succeed. I don’t...

Nov 27th

R.I.P. Red T-shirt (A Photographic Memorial)

On Tuesday, October 17th, between the hours of 8 and 10 pm, a heinous crime was commited. One that can never be forgiven, and should never be forgotten. As you already know, a suitcase containing all of my clothes was stolen. A very special item of clothing was taken from me; one that has been with me for at least 15 months, a time period where some very exciting things have happened to...

Oct 29th

Every time I perform at the Punchline in San...

My life is very exciting. Last week I performed at the Punchline Comedy Club in San Francisco. That club is fantastic. The crowds, audiences, comedians, and staff were all great. The food was really good too. The part that sucked….having someone smash the back window of my mom’s Jeep and steal my suitcase that contained all my clothes, video camera, and archived footage. (And if you...

Oct 25th

I'm a Bad Jew

I consider myself to be Jewish. I’m actually half Jewish….but I round up. I’ve performed the last two weekends on two of the biggest Jewish holidays, Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. The first one is the Jewish New Year, and the second is the other is the “Day of Atonement”. Scary stuff, huh? One sounds like a big party, while the sounds like a trip to the...

Oct 9th

Divorce and Parenting and Stuff

My parents went through a really bad divorce. Throughout my childhood, they would send nasty letters to one another. I was always really good at spelling and grammar, so for some reason, my mother asked me one night to proof read one of the letters she wrote to my father. I think she got the idea from the “How to Make Sure My Son Becomes a Stand-up Comedian” handbook. I was actually...

Sep 11th

Taylor Fun Facts #2

After receiving over 2500 emails regarding his first installment of Taylor Fun Facts, Taylor has decided to reward his fans with another edition…Enjoy! The first CD Taylor ever purchased for himself was Smash Mouth’s “Astro Lounge” in 8th grade. It was a tossup between that and Weird Al’s “Running with Scissors”, but after much deliberation, he decided...

Sep 4th

If you promise to one day murder someone, you...

I just found out that someone from my geometry class in high school was found guilty of murder. This is some crazy shit, people. This guy, who I sat next to for an entire year of math, shot and killed someone. He will be in prison for the next 100 years! For him, this puts an entirely new spin on the argument, “When am I ever going to use this in my life??” If you’re going to...

Aug 21st

Taylor Fun Facts #1

Everything you ever wanted to know about Taylor, and less! The following was written by Taylor in third person for no particular reason: -Taylor eats salad without any dressing; but when he is in a restaurant, he asks for dressing on the side, just so the waitress does not judge him. -Taylor was once star-struck and nervous after coming in contact with a cast-member of the Real World: Hawaii....

Aug 14th

I was almost on Jimmy Kimmel Live

Last November, I got a phone call from someone. It was 11AM, so I decided not to answer the phone and keep sleeping, they should know better. I woke up an hour later to listen to a voicemail from the casting director at Jimmy Kimmel Live. “Taylor,” He said, “Call me back ASAP, I want you to do a sketch with Uncle Frank today.” This was one of the most random phone calls...

Aug 7th

I'm going to the Montreal Comedy Festival!

I’m doing the New Faces showcase at the Just for Laughs festival! Please forward this to anyone you know that may have been mean to me in high school (part 2). Congrats to everyone else who is going! This is awesome. Check out myspace.com/justforlaughs or www.hahaha.com for more info! I take back anything bad I’ve ever said about Canada. Love, Taylor www.taylorwilliamson.com PS - If...

Jul 16th

I Didn't Want to Go to New Orleans Anyways...

“I didn’t want to go to New Orleans anyways.” That’s what I keep saying to myself. Who wants to go to a city where it’s 140 degrees, expensive, and just been ravaged by a natural disaster? A comic who has bills to pay, that’s who. “Oh boy, since I’m going to be performing in New Orleans next month, I’ll be able to pay my rent for July and also...

Jul 2nd

Good Charlotte saved my life!

I was listening to Loveline recently when a really talented and innovative band called Good Charlotte was on. A 14 year old girl called in and said, “I just want to let you guys know that you saved my life.” She said that their song “Hold On” kept her from commiting suicide. I think there should be a law that if a song written by a band that has been #1 on TRL more than...

Jun 12th

I'm Not the Retarded Kid from Million Dollar Baby!

I get compared to different semi-famous people from time to time. For most people Im sure this is very flattering. For me it is not flattering. It is the opposite of the word flattering. According to the thesaurus, it is churlish. And the word which is the antonym to churlish is not flattering. Im just as confused as you are right now. Here are some of the people I have been compared to, and...

Jun 5th

New York Magazine says I'm a "Name to Watch"

Please forward this to anyone you know that might have been mean to me in high school. This is from their April 10th issue on page 65…in stores today! http://www.nymag.com/travel/spring/2006/losangeles/index2.html Los Angeles Comedy Whos Laughing Now Americas comics may hone their chops in gritty comedy hubs like New York and Chicago, but if theyre serious about making it, theyll...

Apr 3rd

Every time I hang out with Louie Anderson I end up...

(Disclaimer to anyone that is related to me or knows such people: I made this entire story up. Nothing like this has ever happened to me. I live in a very nice neighborhood. Los Angeles is a safe place. I’m just a creative guy. Nothing below is factual.) Everything that I am about to say is completely true and not the least bit exaggerated. This is one of those stories where if you...

Mar 12th

Anyone Want to Buy a Slave?

I really should go to class more often. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not looking to get an education; I’m just looking to not miss out on watching a mock slave auction in the quad. Last Tuesday at my school, this is just what happened. It’s funny already, isn’t it? The skit was put together by the Black Student Union to “educate and raise consciousness of...

Mar 3rd

Welcome to the Best Blog Ever!

Hello people, welcome to my blog. I never thought I’d be writing a blog, I even put it on my list of things that I hope to never do in my life. I’ve decided that since I’ve gone against the list on a few occasions (i.e. purchasing Diff’rent Strokes season 1 on DVD) I might as well keep on going. I’ve read many blogs written by heartbroken young teenagers, pouring out...

Feb 27th