Before I lived in the flame-ridden city of Los Angeles, I lived for 18 years in the flame-ridden city San Diego. My family still lives there, at least until further notice. My mother, brother, and dog have been forced to evacuate our home. I’m glad my mom and brother brought the dog. She’s really cool (my dog). I asked what else they brought, and the answer was “Water, food, clothes, and a tent.” I said, “I know, but what important things did you bring?” “That’s it.” That’s it? What about all my priceless items that are in my old bedroom/room where people that I don’t want to sleep, sleep? What if they are all lost? Here are some of the things I’m most worried about.
A photo of a chubby, 12-year-old me and the first ever female WWF Intercontinental Champion, Chyna
Yes, I was chubby. If you want the evidence, go dump some water around my house!
“Star Wars” piano sheet music
Girls love a guy who can play “Star Wars” on the piano, right?
An autographed headshot from the Golden Girl’s Betty White that says “Thanks for being such a big fan!”
Apparently, when my mother met Betty, she lied and said I was a “big fan.” I’m still not sure who she is.
Video of my first time performing stand-up comedy
If this gets burned up, maybe it would be for the best.
Pee-Wee’s Playhouse Collector’s Edition VHS Box Set
I think my mom paid some ridiculous amount of money for this 10 years ago. It’s now on DVD for $20.
“Dude Where’s My Car?” on DVD
no comment.
Smash Mouth’s first 2 CDs
see above.
Some $7 checks from performing stand-up comedy in LA
I really do make millions of dollars.
A MTV TRL shirt I got as a gift and never wore in public
It’s a nice shirt, don’t judge me.
A drawer full of yalmakas that I always forgot to take off my head before leaving the synagogue
Or as you gentiles call them, “those little Jewish hats.”
Sega Genesis Activator Ring
The commercials made me think I could use this to play Mortal Kombat by punching and kicking in the air. I ended up sitting in the ring and using the controller.
“I Ain’t Got Time to Bleed” By Jesse Ventura
The greatest governor of Minnesota since Knute Nelson.
The first 50 issues of Disney’s Adventure Magazine
The first issue’s cover had Rick Moranis and Baloo from The Jungle Book on it! I was so cool in grade school.
A bookshelf full of Cliffsnotes I’ve never read for novels I was supposed to read in English classes I barely passed
Taylor fun fact 454 - I once got a B+ on a test for a book I didn’t even open!
An autographed photo of myself and former WWF/UFC star Ken Shamrock
What? was that written correctly? Yes it was! I met him when I was twelve and got a photo with him. Then I met him a year later, and he signed it! Ladies?
4 unwrapped BET Comic View All Stars VHS tapes
If it’s the thought that counts…..then this birthday present i got last year does not count for much.
