Big news, everybody! I cleaned my room. Yep. Now I didn’t clean up for the same reason as most people. Not because I was tired of that horrific smell, or because I was curious as to what could possibly create such an odor. Not because I wanted to know if my door could really open all the way. Not even because I wondered what color my carpet was. I did it because I started thinking, “What if I died in my sleep, and someone had to come into my room?” Then I thought, “What if they found my body and the mess I lived in, but couldn’t contact my family in time to get a proper obituary, so they decided to make one up based on what they found in my filthy room?” It would probably go something like this:
“Taylor Williamson, a son, possibly a brother, and maybe even a father, (but probably not, since what kind of a girl would go into a room like this?) died in his sleep last night. What can we say about this young man? He was handsome; that’s a fact. He slept in his underwear….that’s sexy. Although he wore tighty-whities….not so sexy. But hey, he had boxer shorts on the floor, so maybe he didn’t want to put those on since they were dirty, and he didn’t want to sleep naked, because sleeping naked is gross! Well, unless you’re a hot girl. Then it is awesome. Taylor had a lot of hobbies. He had numerous photos of himself on stage holding a microphone - so apparently, he loved to perform karaoke. He also loved to collect things and keep them in mint condition. He had many items still in their original packaging, including an Ultimate Warrior action figure from 1989, and an unopened box of condoms, with an expiration date of 2005. (So I guess this proves that he wasn’t a father…..or maybe it proves that he was? Anyways….)Taylor also enjoyed collecting other items, such as bags from fast food restaurants, letters from credit collectors, and chicken strips. Taylor was a good samaritan. He was always happy to do favors for others. It appears as if his neighbor Cindy Roth has been out of town for a few months, so Taylor gladly held onto her mail for her and kept it safe under his mattress until she got back. She was apparently very lonely, and received no letters from friends or family. It looks like the only mail she received was catalogues from Victoria’s Secret. Taylor’s roomate was brought to tears when he heard of this tragedy. “I’m so sad, I’m at a loss for words.” he said. “Does this mean I have to pay his rent this month? Oh, and I’m going to grab that Fast and The Furious DVD. It’s mine, I swear.” Taylor was a non-comformist. He did what he wanted, defying society’s expectations of him. Even though he had a laundry basket, he kept his clothes on the floor, just inches away. Why didn’t he put his clothes in the basket? Why didn’t he ever wash them? What was that god-awful smell coming from beneath the clothes? Was it the clothes? Was it the black, lime jello cottage cheese salad? It appears we are left with more questions than answers, and maybe that’s a good thing. God bless you, Taylor Williamson. And God bless whomever has to clean this room.”
