I’m a big fan of the 1st Amendment of The Constitution: “Freedom of Speech.” It allows us to say or do basically whatever we want, as long as we aren’t harming others, or ourselves. It really bothers me when people use the first amendment as an excuse for their idiotic behavior. I have an amazing idea that would hopefully make them think twice before they do or say something stupid. I say we change the wording of the 1st Amendment. So next time someone goes up to Rev. Fred Phelps and asks, “Hey Fred, why are you standing in front of gay person’s funeral with a sign that says “God hates fags”? Then he’ll confidently say, “Why? Because of the 1st Amendment! ‘Right to be a jackass’!! Wait..did I just call myself a jackass? Wow, I really should be ashamed of myself. What am I doing with my life?”
Gun control is another big issue stemming from the constitution. I love when people argue that “guns don’t kill people, people kill people!” But what do they use to kill people? They use guns! They don’t use bunk beds! No one is trying to get rid of bunk beds! The only kind of person who would picket with a sign that says “Ban Bunk Beds!” is someone who has a problem with convenient sleeping arrangements and also loves to use alliteration.
Guns are violent weapons! They don’t have very many uses. What can you do with a gun? The only thing a gun is useful for is to hurt another living creature, or to let an athlete know it’s time to start running. But if I had to start a race, I’d definitely use a whistle. How embarrassing would it be if you were supposed to start a race with a gun, but forgot to bring bullets?? On second thought, maybe it wouldn’t be such a dilemma. You could probably just borrow a bullet from someone in the crowd. Did you know there’s 250 million guns in this country? And there’s 300 million people. That means for every six people, there are five guns. And I know I don’t have a gun. None of my friends have a gun. So that means, there is some people out there who have two or three guns. What does someone need three guns for?? If you have three of any one item that achieves the same purpose, then I don’t trust you….you’re up to no good. If I walk into your kitchen and I see that you have three toasters, I’m calling the Police….using one of your cell phones.
Now I don’t have a solution for this problem, but I do have a a compromise, that might intrigue some people. I think we should change the meaning of the 2nd amendment, from the “right to bear arms”, like firearms, to the “right to bear arms”, like polar, or grizzly bear arms. I bet some people would actually be excited about this. “I always wanted bear arms! The bear head above my fireplace could use some company!”, one might say. But someone might ask, “How am I supposed to get myself some grizzly bear arms, if I don’t have a gun?” I would respond by saying, “Well, I would just let you know that I have faith that you will find a way. And once you do, and you’re out of the hospital, do me a favor; put up a big sign in front of your house that says ‘I have bear arms, ask me why!’ And when someone does, just respond by saying ‘Because I’m an American, and I have the right to be a jackass!’”
How do I come up with this stuff?
