I’m going through a quarter-life crisis. It’s a lot like a mid-life crisis, with the difference being that I can’t afford to buy myself a new car. I can’t even afford to put gas in the one I already own. I mean, the one my mom lets me drive.
My life is so different than other people my age. People I grew up with are sitting in class, daydreaming about what they want to accomplish and achieve, while I’m at my home daydreaming, because I sleep until noon.
It sometimes bothers me that I’ve already found what I want to do with my life, since I’m missing out on what I would otherwise be experiencing. I’m not taking any law classes, in case I might want to become an attorney, and I’m not taking any sociology classes in case I might want to become unemployed.
Instead, I’m performing in front of people all over the country, trying to make them laugh, and apologizing to bookers for not achieving this goal. “I’m sorry, but I guess people wearing confederate flag bandanas aren’t my crowd. And I decline your offer of coke instead of my paycheck, but thank you for offering. On second thought………nevermind.”
I don’t know what else I would want to do. I could never be a doctor. The sight of blood makes me dizzy. I don’t think anyone bleeding from a stab wound wants to have to call 911 for the guy that’s supposed to help him. “Hey, 911? I need you to come quick! There’s an unconscious doctor in room 94. Oh yah, and I have a knife in my pancreas!”
I could never be a teacher. Especially not for little children. I just don’t have the patience. If some kid didn’t know how to spell simple words like “car” or “dog”, I would probably end up punching him. I honestly think that is an appropriate response. I don’t see this as corporal punishment, but maybe a corporal incentive. Every morning I’d have my students say, “If I can’t spell a three letter word on the first try, I’m going to end up with a black eye. Eye….E, Y, E. Eye.” And then after I punched them, they would have to say “I promise I will not tell my mom. M-O-J. Mom.” I’ll probably let them off for that one.
I used to want to be rich, but I don’t know if that is the answer. I’ve met people who have low paying jobs who are really enjoying their lives. It used to amaze me how some single, 40 year old guy who works at a used book store can be so blissfully happy. But I’ve figured it out…he’s found something in life that not everyone else has..and that is marijuana. Lots, and lots of marijuana.
Drugs are something I’ve never had any desire to try. Some people have criticized me for my lack of experimentation. I’ve just never been big on trying new things. If I’m not going to try sushi, I sure as hell am not going to try sniffing cough syrup. There’s a lot of things I have no desire to try. Skydiving is at the very top of my “Things not to do list.” Don’t tell me this is fun, this is not fun! You know what’s fun? Gravity! It’s a a bowl full of mirth and merriment. Don’t mess with it. Gravity…..now there’s something I try every day.
Probably the most confusing part of life is death. I sometimes stay up late asking myself questions like “Why do people have to die? Why do we have things like diseases, famine, and war?” Then I usually get distracted and start thinking about that song “War” from the Rush Hour movies. Then I spend the next hour trying to figure out how in the world Jackie Chan can run up a wall.
Now I know I can’t stop myself from dying eventually, but I can sure do things to prevent the chances of it happening any sooner. I’ll be sure not to take any drugs, I won’t go skydiving, and I will never try to run up a wall….again.
Life is weird. It is full of unexpected twists and turns, just like my favorite ride at Disneyland…except on that ride, I know where all the twists and turns are, because I’ve ridden it before. In a way it’s exciting not knowing where I’ll be in another twenty years. Maybe I’ll have a sitcom! Maybe I’ll have a family. maybe I’ll be working at a comedy club in Tampa, Florida as a dishwasher….The only thing I know for sure is that I am going to enjoy my life, without regrets, no matter what….Well, except if I become a dishwasher at a comedy club in Tampa. Then I’ll probably shoot myself.
