As I’m sure you know, I’m a super cool dude. I receive thousands of emails a day from people asking to hang out with me. I do not expect much from society, but I do have some standards for those I choose to associate with. If you would like to be my friend, please make sure that you do not relate to any of the behaviors below.
-If you take “Yo Mama” jokes way too personally. I can’t deal with you.
-If you say things like “save the drama for your mama” or use “the ‘N’ word” more than twice a day. That is way too much.
-If you’ve ever collected/traded Pokemon cards. (Sorry, this one is not fixable, unless you have a time machine.)
-If you have a time machine. (Just in case. Honestly, it’s for the best.)
-If you are a comedian and you tell jokes where the only laugh is a nostalgic reference. i.e. “Remember when you used to be able to hear your breath while speaking into a telephone?” Yes, I do! That is hilarious. Remember when comedians used to have punchlines? Read a comedy workbook!
-If you tell me you love my stand-up comedy, but you’ve never seen me perform before.
-If you’ve murdered someone. Sorry, that’s just not acceptable.
-If you have bad breath/smell bad. I am not the one that is going to say something, because I do my best to avoid contact with you.
-If you have the same last named as me. (My apologies to Fred Williamson, star of Black Punisher, and Kevin Williamson, creator of Dawson’s Creek - it’s not you, its me. Seriously.)
-If you’ve ever worn a backwards, red, Yankees hat in an attempt to resemble Limp Bizkit’s Fred Durst. (And no, I’m not just jealous because my mom wouldn’t let me buy one…)
-If you don’t like orange juice with extra pulp. Pulp is delicious! I would love to eat a cup of pulp right now. Or an orange.
-If you consider poker, bowling, or ice hockey to be a sport.
-If you kiss my dog. Do not kiss my dog. Anywhere. That’s weird.
-If you don’t agree that Universal Soldier starring Jean-Claude Van Damme is the greatest film ever made.
-If you call me before 11AM. I dare you to do it.
-If you’ve ever said to me “I don’t like water.” I forgot who it was. I know we are friends…..until I figure out who you are.
-If you think global warming is just liberal propaganda. By the way, your mom is a polar icecap. Oh snap!
-If you enjoyed the last few seasons of Happy Days. No Ron Howard? No Donny Most? Ted McGingly? Really?
-If you have more than one middle name.
-If you stand in front of Bank of America on Pico and La Cienega wearing a “Bush is a terrorist” t-shirt handing out books with titles like “Cheney is the devil” and “Bush is Evil”. It’s not your extreme political views that bother me, I just can’t hang out with someone who has more free time than I do.
-If you’ve ever called me Taylor Hicks. I get it. We have the same first name. Hilarious. FYI you are more than welcome to call him Taylor Williamson, if you ever meet Mr. Hicks.
- If you are mean to one of my friends.
-If you are already my friend and decide to become friends with someone who used to be mean to you. I can’t deal with this.
-If you enjoy eating mayonnaise and tuna. I can deal with a person who likes one of those….but both? Not cool, dude…not cool at all.
-If you’ve ever tried to carjack me. Don’t think I forgot about you…
There you have it! I hope I am not asking for too much. Now who wants to be friends with me??
