I’m skinny. I have 0% body muscle. I want to get in shape, but that involves exercise. And as my mother always said, just because you can do something, it doesn’t mean you should. And as I always said, just because I should do something, it doesn’t mean I will.
It would be nice to have a six pack. Really hard abs. I’d like to be one of those guys who says, “Go ahead, punch me with all your strength, right in the stomach! I dare you.” And then have someone punch me in the gut really hard…and then not fall over crying. That would be pretty cool.
I thought about working out. People work out not only for health reasons, but also to look good. I heard someone say that the only reason we work out is so that the opposite sex will be attracted to us. Well if that’s true, then how come I see so many gay people at the gym? That’s what I say.
I looked into getting a personal trainer. I found a guy who charged $75 a session. That sounded great, until I found out you’re supposed to work out more than once a month! $75 an hour? That better include a $50 gift certificate for a personal trainer.
Whoever came up with the idea of being a personal trainer is a genius! I can understand having a guy come teach you how to work out, once.
“Now do this move 20 times a day, do this, drink this, do that, and do all of that every morning. Good luck!”
“Great, thanks for your help! Now I know how to properly exercise my body.”
But no. People go back to the same guy, repeating the exact same steps! That’s almost as ridiculous as having a personal trainer for food.
“OK, so what you do, is you walk inside this restaurant. Then you order something. Then you give the person money. Then they give you food, and you put it in your mouth, chew, and repeat. Good work! OK, see you tomorrow, we’ll do the same thing all over again! Don’t forget the check for $75.”
I try to eat healthy. Well I don’t really try. But I know I should. When I’m at a restaurant, I order a salad sometimes, but always without dressing, just because I don’t like dressing. For some reason, people feel very comfortable judging me on my lack of dressing usage. I have become so abused, that now when I go to a restaurant and order a salad, I ask for dressing on the side, just so the waitress does not pick on me. One time I had a waitress say, “You eat your salad dry? Ha! You’re just like my little daughter.” I replied, “Yah, I’m just like her, except my mom’s biggest achievement in life isn’t becoming head waitress at an Applebee’s in El Paso, Texas.” I really said that. Seriously. No, really.
I should probably learn how to cook. A girl was telling me recently that she was trying to teach her brother to cook a nice breakfast. She was surprised by his lack of common knowledge. “Can you believe it, he had no idea there were eggs in french toast! He’s 15 years old, how could he not know that?” And I was like, “….there’s eggs in french toast??”
Being healthy is very important, or something like that. I started taking vitamins today. I figured I’d give it the old college try….which means I’ll probably stop taking vitamins after about two years. But I’ll really try for the first year! Sure, I’ll have a couple mornings where I might decide to sleep in and take a day off. I may have other days where I say to myself, “Taylor, you don’t have to take vitamins today if you don’t want to. You’re an adult, and you can do what you want.”
But I’ll probably start getting into the habit of not taking my vitamins as often as I should, and my mom might end up getting a concerned phone call. “Mrs. Williamson, your son has not been taking his vitamins, as I’m sure you’re aware, you still have to pay for them even if he is not taking them.” Then I’ll get an angry phone call, “Taylor, you need to start taking your vitamins! You may not think they’re very important right now, but you never know what might happen to you in the future, and you’ll say, ‘wow, I’m so glad I took my vitamins when I was younger.’” And then I’ll say, “Dammit, I need a break from these vitamins! I need to follow my dreams, and I can’t waste my time with this nonsense! Chris Rock never took vitamins, and look where he is! Neither did Jim Carrey! Vitamins will always be there, let me live my own life and make my own mistakes if I need to.”
