My life is very exciting. Last week I performed at the Punchline Comedy Club in San Francisco. That club is fantastic. The crowds, audiences, comedians, and staff were all great. The food was really good too. The part that sucked….having someone smash the back window of my mom’s Jeep and steal my suitcase that contained all my clothes, video camera, and archived footage. (And if you are my insurance company, you know that the video camera was worth $4000 and they also took my $15,000 Rolex watch).
I went to my car after the first show on Tuesday night, and started driving. It sounded like one of my windows was down, and I turned around, only to find window smashed in the back. I stopped the car, yelled an obscenity or two, and spent the next fifteen minutes trying to get back to the club, thanks to this city’s wonderful one way streets and my horrible sense of direction.
I went into the club and told the manager what happened, and asked what he thought I should do. One of the members of the staff had an interesting suggestion. “If I were you, I’d chase down the bastard and beat the crap out of him!”
Really? Is that what you would do, if you were me?
I can see myself driving around and spotting a homeless dude with my suitcase and a lead pipe. I then get out of my car and approach him aggressively. “Hey, you! Yah you, the ugly dude with my roller suitcase that expands when necessary to fit in extra clothes! You’re the one who smashed the window on my car, I have one thing to say to you, Mister…….May I please have my suitcase back? I have to stay here for another week, and you have all my clothes. You also have footage of me performing on some important shows, including video of me bombing in front of Luke Perry at the Hollywood Improv. So, what do you say?”
“Did you notice I’m holding a lead pipe?”
“Good point. Well, I guess I’ll be going now. By the way, thanks for not stealing my laptop out of my backpack, I really appreciate it. Oh, you want my laptop now too? Well, I guess you might need a computer to upload all that footage, here you go. OK, I have to take this phone call, I guess I’ll see you around town. Oh, you want my phone too? It’s a San Diego area code, it’s no good for you. Besides, the charger is in my suitcase that was stolen, and what good is a phone without a charger? Oh, I see. There you go. Here’s the keys to my car too. Have a nice evening, sorry to bother you.”
