I consider myself to be Jewish. I’m actually half Jewish….but I round up. I’ve performed the last two weekends on two of the biggest Jewish holidays, Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. The first one is the Jewish New Year, and the second is the other is the “Day of Atonement”. Scary stuff, huh? One sounds like a big party, while the sounds like a trip to the dentist’s office, without the part where you get a free toy out of the “crappy toy” box. That’s what it says on the box at my dentist’s office, right?
According to the thing that Jewish people read to get their holy information, you aren’t supposed to work on either holiday. What will happen to me? Will I go to hell? Do Jews believe in hell? I’m such a bad Jew, I don’t know either. And I also don’t know where I’m supposed to look to find out. Although I haven’t read it lately, I’m pretty sure that the Torah doesn’t specifically say that one cannot perform standup comedy at Zanies in Chicago or The Improv in Las Vegas during religious holidays.
Rosh Hashanah is the Jewish New Year. If you ask me, that is pretty cocky for Jews to come up with their own New Year. The only cool thing about the Jewish calendar is that the first month is called “Nissan”..and that is not even that cool. Jews make New Years Resolutions on Rosh Hashanah, as well as eat apples in honey, to represent a wish for a sweet New Year. I did make a resolution this year; It was to start embracing my Christian heritage, as those holidays are not as lame, and they involve chocolate rabbits and an old fat guy who gives out presents that aren’t going to be put in my binder for the next school year.
Not only are you not supposed to work on these holidays, but on Yom Kippur, you’re not supposed to eat or drink anything, not even water! (that is, if you are a super-Jew.) I don’t know who came up with the idea of fasting, but I’m guessing its the same crazy dude who came up with these holidays. Supposedly fasting is a way to deprive yourself of pleasures. Some people I know find loopholes to this crazy system. My grandmother apparently does not have to participate because she has medication to take. Where is her dedication? That’s what I say to her, through this blog, that she will never read, because she doesn’t know how to use a computer.
I hope you’ve learned something from this half-assed blog that I wrote a week ago. I’m hoping to change the world with my comedy, and I think I’m off to a fairly mediocre start.
