My parents went through a really bad divorce. Throughout my childhood, they would send nasty letters to one another. I was always really good at spelling and grammar, so for some reason, my mother asked me one night to proof read one of the letters she wrote to my father. I think she got the idea from the “How to Make Sure My Son Becomes a Stand-up Comedian” handbook. I was actually excited about the project. I read over the letter…”OK Mommy, overall it looks pretty good! No spelling mistakes, good structure….I really like how you begin each paragraph with an example of how he’s a horrible father, and each paragraph ends with a reminder that you got the house and custody of the children, very well done. One Mistake though! You know that sentence where you wrote, ‘Don’t bring the children into our fights; we need to allow them to enjoy their childhood.’? Well at the beginning of the sentence, you forgot to capitalize the ‘D’….By the way, great use of a semicolon there! Also, this is totally off topic, do you have a dictionary I can use for a second? I want to find out my definition of ‘irony’ is accurate. Thanks.”
What is it, 50% of marriages end in divorce now? I don’t get it! How can people vow to live with someone for the rest of their lives, and then take it back? I hope to have this figured out one day…at least by my second marriage.
‘Til death do us part….yikes. That’s quite a commitment. I’m sure there was someone at some point who got divorced after 6 months, who used the excuse, “Umm…I really didn’t think she’d live that long.”
Sometimes I’m actually glad that I didn’t have the best parents in the world. At least this way I can make sure I don’t make the same mistakes that my mom and dad did. One day, if my wife gives birth to a little boy or girl, I will make damn sure that our baby grows up in a home with parents who love their child just as much as they love one another. I will make sure that this child will live in an environment filled with nothing but compassion and affection. How will I make sure this happens? We’re going to put him up for adoption.
“Here you go Mr. and Mrs. Johnson! A brand new baby boy, equipped with special features including genes filled with a history of mental illness and alcoholism. Enjoy! By the way, can I get a receipt? I can get a tax write off for him, right? I also need to get rid of my boat…can I do that here too? Awesome. Please take good care of it, it’s one of a kind. Oh yah, and the baby too.”
I was thinking today, what if I don’t make it as a comedian? What if I have kids, and I have to get a real job to support them? Would I become one of those dads that makes their child become what they couldn’t achieve in life? I went to school with a kid who was a great baseball player; his father bought him a baseball bat when he was just a baby, and taught him to play, and he was one of the best players I’d ever seen! What if I want my son to become a stand-up comedian? What should I do? I know! I’ll buy him a baseball bat…and then I’ll beat him with it. Then he’ll say, “Daddy, why are you hitting me with that baseball bat?” And I’ll Say, “Because I love you!” And then he’ll be like, “what?” And I’ll be like, “just kidding. Now go write a joke.” And he’ll be like, “but my hand hurts.” And I’ll be like, “OK, fine..tragedy plus time equals comedy…you have 15 minutes to relax, then go write some jokes.” I’m going to be such a good parent!
